Have you ever wanted to have the power to create space and time? To force the universe to turn in your direction and to have even the power to control the way the planet spins on its very axis? Well I have this power!! It is called a police badge and uniform. Yes, friends, it is the authority in which time and even gravity itself holds to my very whim. It allows a simple, mild-mannered Clark Kent to become the greatest of super-hero's. I wear it proudly on my chest..."RT"...For I am...Return Man!!
Now let me preface by saying, that nothing is done illegally, imporally or in any way that is not within the firm boundaries of my appointed post. No friends...it is simply the power of the authority and the perception of said authority that follows me. You see, when you walk into a store and need to return something, you are no different from the pimply-faced geek behind the counter. Who cares if you suffered or your product doesn't work. What does it matter if you were inconvienenced by some product that blew up. So what if you spend mounds of money, only to be told, "that's not under warranty" or "we'll need to send that to a repair facility, it'll be about 8-10 weeks".
No, that same pimply-faced geek sees the badge (and uniform)and attitudes change. Things that cannot be done, are done. Things that cannot be undone, are fixed. "Yes sir officer, how may I help you". No longer does that $5.50 employee ignore you, he actually comes up to you with baited anticipation only to help your most simple whim.
Let's take in point my computer. It died. Being the forward-thinking bloke that I am, I bought an extended warranty. Well, thankfully, when it died it was under said warranty. Now they did need to send it off. Unfortunately I could not live without a computer for a month. So I bought a new one. When the "old" computer came back as unrepairable, they said, OK sir (note the lack of sarcasm is said employee's voice) you paid X amount of dollars for that computer, you can pick another one for the same price. I explain the incredible hardship that I was under for being foced to be without email for the 8 weeks (of course it took twice as long to determine it was unrepairable) and explained that I didn't need another computer I had just bought a new one. The manager comes over, smiling and I show him my proof, my receipt of the new computer. (you always need to keep your documentation!!) The manager nods and does some magical spell on their computers and said, "OK, here's what I've done, I've taken the amount you paid for the original computer and put it on a gift card for you, so you can use it for whatever you want." Well thank you very much!! I appreciate it. Now, you'll note that never do I ask for anything or request a favor or any special treatment...No friends, that would be unethical. If they offer something to be nice, that would be fine, but never would I balk...again it simply the power of Return Man...no not even Kryptonite can stop him!!
Example number two (and yes I must add this becuase my wife has already taken liberty to bash me on the Internet), I recently purchased a GPS navigation system. Now said system does not come with an extended warranty. Well, how can I in a few years return it for a better system if there's no extended warranty?? What if it breaks, or...perish the thought...there's a newer, better, shinier one on the market? The new pimply-faced geek says that they don't offer one...sorry. Sorry? Excuse me?? This must not be my "regular store"...let me go to another branch...the branch where they love me...respect me...in secret, want to be...me! So off I go...and what does that manager do??? He wisks his magical wand over the computer and poof!...an extended warranty with the system that doesn't have one...how'd that happen you say?? Was it magic, was it some strange atmospheric occurrence...no friends....Return Man was here...you just didn't see him, he has already gone back into the phone booth and changed back into someone that looks like you....
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