A Time To "Chuck"-le

Ok, so we all need a laugh today...truthfully after a hard week, crying and whining babies, I need a laugh...so what makes me laugh?? Chuck Norris jokes...so enjoy this completely plagerized blog...


If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing My space for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win…forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decedents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly".
They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
The Sherman tank was originally called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII single-handedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris’ favorite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris Halloween costume he was wearing.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots aren’t that merciful.
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, taketh away.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on routine patrol.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move. It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks. Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs. Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact.
70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his penis.
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes WebPages by blinking.
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by that very nature, a roundhouse kick to the face.
If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce instead of Visine.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
Chuck Norris has his own line at the DMV.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a right roundhouse kick to the face.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the light bulb turns on.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
Chuck Norris was the original sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Forty seven times.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Everything King Midas touches turns to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
Most people know that Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris. During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris’ kindergarten class.
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris successfully separated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.
Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated
In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes because it might make him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
Chuck Norris doesn’t go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
Before sliced bread, people used to say "That’s the greatest thing since Chuck Norris".
But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''
On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
he world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

General Musings

Good day my friends...I figured to spice things up a bit, rather than just post on one topic I would simply rant about a bunch of different topics...

• Please Wait

So for those of you who live in Maryland, do you find it completely frustrating that you are required to wait for just about everything!? I mean let's get serious here, is it actually required. It's like if you want to go to dinner, you have to plan an additional hour of waiting time just to sit around and wait for a table. So of course there's the normal waiting...I call Verizon, and I'm told to please wait and remain on the line for the next representative. (that's of course after pressing #2 for English...wait...when did we get to pressing #1 for Spanish and #2 for English???...oh wait wrong rant!) Or waiting for traffic...how long will it take to get from the Shell station to 270 which is only about 300 yards away...5 minutes I sit on the ramp!! Or, better yet, I wait in line for literally 10 minutes at the store to buy tomatoes and cheese...(why doesn't Safeway have self-checkout by now...are they waiting for Giant to go out of business??) Why is it, when I went to the doctor last week, my appointment was for 8am...why is the nurse asking me back and 8:55?? Does all of this sound unreasonable? Am I expecting the same type of service in 2008 that I got in 1990? I understand there is growing population...do doctors overbook and have gone the way of the airlines. (explain to me, do they overbook thinking people won't show up, just in case??) Am I to forever be in a line for one thing or another...I mean at least at Disney I get to have the stew scared out of me on some roller coaster after waiting in line...what do I get here, food?

• "The Slowskys"

By now you all have seen the commerical for the Slowskys...those are those turtles that have Verizon...(http://www.theslowskys.com/) They are the ones that hate fast Internet speeds. The Slowskys are Bill and Karolyn and both my wife and I have made fun of my parents for a while now for being a member of the Slowsky family. (they have DSL and yes we did actually call them Bill and Karolyn, I know ironic names right?) Well I knew that one day my sense of humor would creep on me and bite me right in the butt! Well folks, we have now joined the Slowsky family! (Fios at least!) So I've been with Comcast as long as I can remember. In fact, I was with them when there was no Comcast and there was only "Montgomery Cable". Slowly the bills have gone higher and higher and just as we moved last month and wanted to transfer service they began charging us $35 more than we were at our old address!! "You were under a promotion and even though you're still a customer, you address has changed so now you pay the full price without a special promotional discount we were giving you" I was told. Let me get this right, so for staying with you when I move, you charge me more I asked. Silence on the phone. So I contact Bill Slowsky and find out how much the Internet/phone/tv package is compared to Comcast. About $50-$60 less! Why on earth would I then go with Comcast?? So I call them to cancel and they transfer us to the "retention department". This is a fancy way of staying, the shlub that has to talk to you on the phone and try to convince you to stay with them, after you've already made up your mind to cancel. (does that really work? I mean does someone actually call to cancel, don't forget they also WAIT on hold for while, then request to cancel and actually be convinced not to do it) So I talk to the woman who tells me how they have their "triple play" and how they service is faster, better, more reliable...I say, great, is it...cheaper?? Well umm, sure it is...then I remind her, you mean it's cheaper even after you charge me for the digital upgrade service, rent me my modem for $6.00, rent me a remote for $2.00 and require for me to have a DVR I must also have the HD service for an additional $8.00 plus the DVR for $15.99?? When with the Slowsky family all they charge is the DVR (no remote, router, etc charges...and still less!) After all that what else is there to say?? "Can I have your forwarding address we know where to send your rebate check?" Sure. Have a nice day Comcast.

Thank you for participating in this rant...we will now return you to your already scheduled program already in progress...When in doubt, just say "Manamana"...trust me, it WILL make you feel better!!

Devil or Saint?

OK, dear readers, let me paint you a picture...
you go to work, throwing yourself whole-heartily into it, come home to the the shrieking, wailing and crying instead of the pidder patter of little feet. Yes, you come home to those lovable children who are your heart and soul and instead of "welcome home daddy!" all you get is "wwwaaaaaaaaa!!!" or even worse, the constant tone of "Peep", "George" or "Bob" (apparently the only names your little bundle of sunshine will say, as he gasps at the tv DEMANDING that his favorite characters be played on the DVD player)

You assist in the ever fun project of dinner. "All done" he replies after eating an apple sauce and nothing else. This, even after the short-order cook, namely your wife, has made three different dinners for this little child, all of which he has refused. "Chips!" he replies...or "Fries"!! Forget the protein, forget the veggies, it's carbs he demands! (what is he, power lifting or preparing for a marathon??)

You then take him to the bath and off to bed...so you think...but NOOOOO! Not even the pleasant oasis of imminent bedtime will end the cries...for he doesn't want to go to bed...and no matter what you try-more books, more hugs, more kisses, more prayers-will end the constant bang of the bedroom door as your child continues to get out of bed and bang, kick and slam on the door continuously. Do you go in and yell or spank? Do you enter and comfort only to hear the screams as you leave grow even louder?? Do you ignore and figure he'll either sleep in bed or on the floor..."but I'm not going back in" you think to yourself

Like the ever determined warrior entering into a battlefield, there are some fights just not worth fighting...then your heart breaks after 10 minutes of crying you hear softly through the door, the most sad and pathetic tune of "sorry daddy, sorry daddy". That knife of your sad and seemingly apologetic brood digging into your heart now, making you feel "damn I'm mean, I'm too rough on him"...are you just training him (or better yet, is he just training you??!!)

Oh yea, I forgot mention that new shirt you just put on his covered in vomited formula that the other child just spit all all over you!

Tired, exhausted, really, you slump onto the couch hoping the gentle blue images that wash over your will take you away from reality...7pm...8pm...9pm...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz only to hear that continuing cry at 530am...is this a dream or am I awake???...didn't we just do this yesterday...wait a darn minute...it's Saturday...we sleep in on Saturday don't we???

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there does it make a sound? If you ignore your crying children until 10am and don't tell anyone, are you REALLY neglecting them??

Now don't get me wrong, children are the greatest thing in life...having the opportunity to instill your thoughts, ideals, values and have those concepts actually grow up and be able to make in impact on this world is an amazing thing...seeing them smile or laugh is truly one of the greatest joys of my life...but lets just say it this way...even a root canal has it's benefits but damn if the process don't hurt like a bitch!! In policing, they say it's 9 1/2 hours of boredom followed by 30 minutes of sheer terror...in parenting it's more like 23 hours and 59 minutes of chasing around the Tasmanian Devil followed by 1 minute of hearing the harps of Saint Michael!!! (OK, so maybe I embellish just a bit!)

PS...thank you George Bush for my stimulus check...I promise to use it wisely!!

What a month!

Hello my fellow readers...yes I know it's been quite a long time since we last met. It seems that in the past 30 days so much as happened I really don't even know where to start. Let's see, I think I shall begin with my testicles. (sorry mom, but I do have to start somewhere!)

As many of you are aware, I did the "consult" in which my European "doctor" with broken fingers "consulted" with me (and other parts of me!) Well the surgery was scheduled and performed. I shant go into all the gory details, but lets say for all you men out there, you remember that feeling when that girl (we never forget your name!) who kicked us in the nether regions in the 3rd grade! (HER name was Rachel Kraft by the way!) Well that feeling remained with me for 2 weeks! Can you imagine??! Two weeks of that pain in your diaphragm! Well folks I'd like to say that I took it all like a champion of epic proportions but I'm sure the first person to comment would be my wife who would completely disagree. She would tell you that I cried like a baby, couldn't hold our newest son and constantly complained about my testicles day and night...well they did hurt you know!!

So, moving on to another sport, let's discuss the idea of moving...I'm sure by now that most of you are aware that the "lil miss'es" and I were planning on leaving this great land of Maryland to the land where a Republican vote actually counts and steak is not something you eat once in a while but is required by law at every meal. Well after much consideration we decided NOT to move!! Yes that's right, we're staying put. In short, here's what happened...

We looked at ALL the possibilities and decided that the best move for us would be to stay here. So we looked at keeping our townhouse (about 2 weeks to closing at this point) and did find a loophole. Not being very comfortable with that, we decided we wanted to leave anyway. So...we had all our furniture moved into storage and all of my true and faithful friends helped move all the heavy stuff! (of course they did ALL complain about moving all the stuff out of the attic!) Afterwards, we went to closing...which for the first time was actually quite painless. That was a Friday...so with a new apartment (6 days old) and a sold house (1 day old) what do we do...go house hunting! Saturday and Sunday...how painful! I don't think that my wife and I have fought more in a 48 hour period! By Sunday night we had made an offer (50K LESS, I mean it IS a buyer's market right??) and it was accepted!! Yes folks you read that right, within a 5 day span, we had moved, sold and bought another house!!


OK so lets just recap here...since we've been married, lets see it's been 3 years, we've bought and sold and bought a house, had two kids, gave away our dog, completed major construction on a house, wife has worked in 3 different schools, I've worked in 3 different positions, had a vasectomy, diabetes, got rid of diabetes, thought our son was autistic, went through months of therapy for him, gone through 3 day cares, moved our furniture twice, and threatened our entire family that we wanted to move 3 times out of the area! I think we've actually hit EVERY stress indicator there is!

Let's not forget that in the past 10 days I've found out that it's likely I'll be returning to patrol. In fact I just found out that my paltry 25K budget won't be renewed. But of course the Humane Society has spent over that ensuring that the Box Turtle is not displaced from their habitat because of the dreaded ICC. So turtles have a better budget to keep them safe than Alzheimer's and Autistic children!! Great just great...if there's a silver lining this is it...I did just get my new 2008Mad Max Dodge Charger...at least I can drive fast through those red light cameras!

Now if everything were to go according to plan, all I have to do is replace the idol with a bag of sand, avoid the big boulder only to have my prize taken by Belloch! (if you don't know this reference you don't deserve to ever see another movie or spend time with me again!) The real question remains...is the other shoe going to drop??

Respect My Authority!!

Have you ever wanted to have the power to create space and time? To force the universe to turn in your direction and to have even the power to control the way the planet spins on its very axis? Well I have this power!! It is called a police badge and uniform. Yes, friends, it is the authority in which time and even gravity itself holds to my very whim. It allows a simple, mild-mannered Clark Kent to become the greatest of super-hero's. I wear it proudly on my chest..."RT"...For I am...Return Man!!

Now let me preface by saying, that nothing is done illegally, imporally or in any way that is not within the firm boundaries of my appointed post. No friends...it is simply the power of the authority and the perception of said authority that follows me. You see, when you walk into a store and need to return something, you are no different from the pimply-faced geek behind the counter. Who cares if you suffered or your product doesn't work. What does it matter if you were inconvienenced by some product that blew up. So what if you spend mounds of money, only to be told, "that's not under warranty" or "we'll need to send that to a repair facility, it'll be about 8-10 weeks".

No, that same pimply-faced geek sees the badge (and uniform)and attitudes change. Things that cannot be done, are done. Things that cannot be undone, are fixed. "Yes sir officer, how may I help you". No longer does that $5.50 employee ignore you, he actually comes up to you with baited anticipation only to help your most simple whim.

Let's take in point my computer. It died. Being the forward-thinking bloke that I am, I bought an extended warranty. Well, thankfully, when it died it was under said warranty. Now they did need to send it off. Unfortunately I could not live without a computer for a month. So I bought a new one. When the "old" computer came back as unrepairable, they said, OK sir (note the lack of sarcasm is said employee's voice) you paid X amount of dollars for that computer, you can pick another one for the same price. I explain the incredible hardship that I was under for being foced to be without email for the 8 weeks (of course it took twice as long to determine it was unrepairable) and explained that I didn't need another computer I had just bought a new one. The manager comes over, smiling and I show him my proof, my receipt of the new computer. (you always need to keep your documentation!!) The manager nods and does some magical spell on their computers and said, "OK, here's what I've done, I've taken the amount you paid for the original computer and put it on a gift card for you, so you can use it for whatever you want." Well thank you very much!! I appreciate it. Now, you'll note that never do I ask for anything or request a favor or any special treatment...No friends, that would be unethical. If they offer something to be nice, that would be fine, but never would I balk...again it simply the power of Return Man...no not even Kryptonite can stop him!!

Example number two (and yes I must add this becuase my wife has already taken liberty to bash me on the Internet), I recently purchased a GPS navigation system. Now said system does not come with an extended warranty. Well, how can I in a few years return it for a better system if there's no extended warranty?? What if it breaks, or...perish the thought...there's a newer, better, shinier one on the market? The new pimply-faced geek says that they don't offer one...sorry. Sorry? Excuse me?? This must not be my "regular store"...let me go to another branch...the branch where they love me...respect me...in secret, want to be...me! So off I go...and what does that manager do??? He wisks his magical wand over the computer and poof!...an extended warranty with the system that doesn't have one...how'd that happen you say?? Was it magic, was it some strange atmospheric occurrence...no friends....Return Man was here...you just didn't see him, he has already gone back into the phone booth and changed back into someone that looks like you....

Violated

So, to begin this week's diatribe, let me begin by stating:

WARNING:
IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO EXPERIENCE VERBAL EXPLANATIONS OF A GRAPHIC NATURE, READ NO FURTHER...PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

Still here? OK, don't say I didn't warn you!

So as most parents consider at one time or another, do we want to have more kids? It's a question of monumental importance, since, unless you're quite young, you do only have a reasonable amount of time to have children before the risks begin to get greater. (which of course begs the conversation that after 35 your risks increase, so why do so many celebrities have kids well into their 40's seemingly with no risks whatsoever...yet I digress)

Of course as a married couple you must engage in the debate as to whether we WANT more children, what the risks may involve, timing, can we afford such offspring, and in our case, the medical implications of pregnancy. Well over the past few months it had been decided that we were done. Not "done", like I just poked the chicken on the grill and its cooked (of course one could suggest that being done, our children have indeed "cooked" us-or at least my sanity and patience) We had just come to the conclusion that we had two beautifully wonderful children and we were done. Therefore, in order to avoid any "mistakes" we should look into a surgical solution. Now being the magnanimous husband I am, I would opt for the less surgical, invasive procedure, being the adjustment (read: cutting) of my first favorite little friend rather than my lovely wife going under the knife. (hey! I'm a poet and I don't even know it!)

Now for those of you who have never experienced going to a surgeon for something, they first must do a "consult". What this means is that you have to go and meet the doctor and let them talk you out of what you want. In truth, this is another reason to pay yet another co-pay. I'm not really against consults...I mean if I were to have a face lift, it would be an important thing...but for what I was wanting, what exactly do they need to consult-is there some confusion here?

So I enter the office, in uniform...and when I finally meet the doctor (40 minutes later of course) during his barrage of questioning, what does he ask me...so what do you do? Hmmm, this is a guy who has his medical license right?? I mean he has achieved the pinnacle of educational advancement...right? RIGHT?? Well, after discussing my job and of course the dangers (and injuries sustained) that go along with them, he makes a rather sad attempt to relate by looking at his right hand. I view his three fingers (pointer, middle and ring) which look rather disfigured and his one nail is completely black. He says "well, I understand about injuries, I broke my three fingers a few months ago)...again, he's the surgeon right, with three broken fingers...great, he probably operate and I'll walk out with an additional exit hole in my rear!!

Then the doctor says, OK well I need to do a cursory examination of you. Let's focus on that word for a minute...cursory. Meaning overview, not detailed. All right, I get that, get the once over, make sure there's nothing wrong under the hood, per se.

So after the initial unpleasantness, where apparently while he is "examining" me we're getting to "know each other"... a form of medical foreplay (he actually has me feel what he's going to cut...like I really need that!), the doc says to me" OK, now turn around, bend over and put your arms on the table. He says this as I observe him grab this tube of Costco-sized petroleum jelly. At first I think I'm in some weird universe...isn't it my job to tell someone to turn around and spread it??

Let me stop here and note...the etymology of the term "vasectomy" is broken down to "vas" and "ectomy"...as in the cutting of the vas-deferins. Now, lets review, nowhere in this etymology does it say, "stranger sticking his lubed finger in the out orifice".

Now you can only imagine what occurred next. (yes mom, I'll avoid the details just for you!) As I am experiencing this violation of epic proportions, all I have are visions of Chevy Chase in "Fletch" singing "Moon River". "Moooon River, Whew! Thanks doc, ever serve time?) What I wanted to say to this medical professional, was, "at least I thought I'd get a dinner out of this...do you have a cigarette?" (why is it the best, smart ass comments come to us later?!)

Well now having my innards poked and prodded, lets just say that the surgery is a go...(and yes, no unusual prostate surprises either! I AM only 34 you know!)

More later on the result...maybe I'll have some pictures, wouldn't that be fun!

Relection Reflecting

What does it mean to be "reflected"? Are you actually reflecting or does the person staring back at you often resemble something different than you remember? Can it be, that even in the momentary glimpse of such a recognizable description, you might see something new? Or, is it like how we drive the same route every day, often losing sight of the details, just muddling along to our next destination? While this esoteric thought may not be my normal flow of consciousness, let it be that my first post might pose the question for the future of this experiment. Can simply writing random thoughts and musings actually mean anything or can it remove the curtain from the daily grind? Can it bring, even just a little light to an otherwise dreary day?

While the "adventure" of life continues, it does seem that even the everyday mundane is in itself an adventure. What to have for dinner, can I come home early, will I ever get packed before the movers actually arrive? Even under such self-imposed stress as to not have a job, a place to live in Texas or even it seems sometimes a clue, such mysteries make one look inward at the man looking back.

In truth, we are all just trying to make it to that next moment, that next day. We look around our lives and count our blessings. We remember those we loved, those that love us, and must remember that we are rich, just for those in our lives. Let's see where this adventure takes us together!